Passion and Purpose

I remember reading this article, taken from The Peak (SimonFraser University's Independent Student Newspaper), while I was still astudent at UVic. It served as a good wake up call for me. Warning, there may be a few curses here and there, but definitely still worth reading.

Diary of a Graduate by Eugene Kaplan

"It is 11:30 a.m., Wednesday morning. I just finished my last final. Myvery last final. Ever. I am graduating, finally. And yet I'm here,downstairs in the library, and I can't leave this place. I am scared.It's high school all over again, but at least back then, I knew my future. I knew, or assumed, where I would be spending the next five years. Right now, I have no idea. 

Welcome to the "real world" indeed. 

I am scared and a little bit sad. Sad, because Iam never going to have to get in my car and spend an hour on the road so I can be here for a stupid 8 a.m. tutorial. Sad, because I'll neveruse one-layer toilet paper ever again.

Sad, because I'll never eat such shitty food everagain, unless I get sent to jail. And sad, because there go five years of my life and all I have to show for it - not yet, mind you - is apiece of paper. It is quite the scam they have going. We show up forfive years, pay them a lot of money, get our asses in debt for life, and all they have to give us in return is a piece of paper. 

John Lennon once said "life is what happens to you while you're busy making otherplans." Looking over the last five years, I very much hope I did not waste that part of my life. I should have gone on more trips, tried more things, hit on more girls, made more friends, read more books, and slept way less. But it's a little late now for regrets.

I think what bothers me the most is that I amshoved into a world I have no desire to enter, at least at this point.I do not want to be an adult. I know what it is, how it works and what it entails, and let me tell you, it's not pretty. There are responsibilities, bills, mortgages, looking for work, wives, children, legal battles, etc. I cannot wake up at noon, walk around in my underwear and watch Jenny Jones anymore. There is shit to be done. Alot of shit to be done, mind you, and I don't wanna do it. I knowhindsight is 20/20 but, fuck, I am willing to give up a whole lotta stuff to go back to being a kid. I just want ice cream, camping,and Saturday morning cartoons. You can take everything I have if I justget that. You can even take sex from me. Go ahead, I'm serious, take it.

I wanna be blissfully ignorant again. I don't wanna hear any more about 9/11, Iraq, Afghanistan, the 2010 Olympics, Martha Stewart, the drug problem in Vancouver, or whatever else getsshoved in my face. I just wanna be back being 10 again. Is that so much to ask? I wanna eat mac 'n' cheese, Cap'n Crunch, pizza, and burgers. Idon't wanna go the gym, I don't wanna shave, I don't wanna get my haircut every three weeks, I don't wanna buy the right shampoo or the right hair gel, I don't wanna pay insurance for my car, I don't wanna think about smoking, drinking, or smoking up. I just wanna draw doodles and go for a swim. I don't wanna worry about where my next pay cheque is going to come from or how I am going to afford moving out and whether I am going to have to move to (gasp) Toronto to get a job. I don't want to do any of that. I just wanna be a kid again. Can I? Please? Pretty please?

No, eh? 

I don't think we put enough emphasis on living inthe moment. And no, getting shitfaced and waking up at 3 p.m. with a stranger is not what I am talking about. Ask me how many times I've been to Whistler in the past five years. Zero. Ask me how many times I've been to the Okanagan in the past five years. Zero. Ask me how many times I've been to the Island in the past five years. Once, for about 6 hours.

They keep telling us that once we get over thatwhole "post-secondary" bit, we can start our lives. Well, they've lied. No, I can't start my life. I can't get those five years back. I can't blissfully jump into my Golf, drive to my shiny apartment in Yaletown, turn on that big-ass plasma TV, and call my boss to tell him I won't becoming in tomorrow. I can't do that because I don't have any of that shit, and as it stands right now, I have no way of getting it. 

Brad Pitt's character in Fight Club said that we all believe we're gonna grow up as movie stars or rockstars, but we won't. Well, let me add to that. We all believe we're going to grow up being somebody anybody. A person with a job, a partner, a house, a car. We do not grow up believing we'll work at Starbucks for the rest of our lives, live with 3 roommates, and have a dog as a life-partner. We are completely fooled, because that's very possible.

The more books I read, the more I am disillusioned about everything. Knowledge is only power if you know the combination to a bank vault or have photos of your boss having sex witha hooker. Otherwise, knowledge is a curse. Like a dog, we understand everything that our master does but cannot express anything or change anything. We are forever in the cage, looking out, seeing it all, butare totally helpless. Unlike the Matrix characters, I have no option of going blissfully back into the matrix. I am forced to see how deep the rabbit hole goes. I cannot be a kid again, as much as I want to, and it's shitty.

It is 1 p.m., Wednesday afternoon. I justfinished my last final. My very last final. Ever. I am graduating,finally. And yet, I'm here, downstairs in the library, and I can't leave this place. I am scared. It's high school all over again. But at least back then, I knew my future. I knew, or assumed, where I would be spending the next five years. Right now, I have no idea.

Welcome to the "real world" indeed. 

I am scared."